We all know that life ebbs and flows like the seasons of the year. I am living in a season right now that compares perfectly to our Montana spring. The weather is beautiful, the sun is shining and the garden is planted. There is so much to look forward to with summer ahead. And then a surprise snowstorm comes along and freezes the ground, the garden plants die, the sun is blocked for days and all the sudden summer seems really far away.
When tragedy strikes in ones life and all of the ripple down effects come to surface it can feel really confusing how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thank you for being here. I am about to open my heart up to you and wow it is healing. This? This is how I show up for my children during easy and hard times. I write and feel my feelings and then let them rest while I change diapers, prepare food and engage in the moment and in the relationships that my family and I so very much need.
Monday, May 11th tragedy struck. My father-in-law, my husbands dad, his best friend and his hero was in a tragic bicycling accident. He was riding fast down a canyon near his home in Salt Lake City and swerved to miss a deer. It seems the deer escaped untouched but Tys dad not so much. He broke his back in a few places, his scapula and clavicle, a few ribs, his nose and the bone under his eye. His heart and lungs were bruised and he endured a traumatic brain injury. Since that day the highs and lows have been more extreme than any I have ever felt. The fear and anxiety, the not knowing and the feeling of helplessness. All while great sadness hits like a ton of bricks because no one is able to visit due to Covid restrictions. The last thirteen days have been oh so very long. While Tys dad is in the hospital we are all out here trying to keep our world spinning except it isn’t quite that easy. You see, fear and anxiety, loss of control? These are fuel to an addicts fire. Ty went to treatment fourteen years ago and has been solidly sober for twelve. His sobriety is slipping right now and I feel like the life we have built together is more vulnerable than ever before. Just two weeks ago it was spring, the garden was planted and life looked like blooming tulips. We had big plans of house renovations and having friends spend the summer out here with us. Today it snowed and it’s too cold to go outside. The garden froze and all the little buds died. All plans are out the window and we walk into the unknown. I feel scared and sad, lost and broken. I know life will land us somewhere like summer but for now we are wading through the muck and mud of a spring snow storm. Ty knows I am here writing this. He knows it is how I process my feelings. He is beautiful and raw, humble and scared shitless. We know we are facing a big storm here but have all the hope in the world we can brave it together.
I write these words to cleanse my soul. To connect my heart with universal powers. To surrender so I can be the mama my four babies need me to be. They can see me cry and watch me feel, I do not hide my human tendencies. I hold them close and teach by example that it is okay to embrace every single season of life.
Now come on summer! I’m counting on you!